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· Premium Member
4,830 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Subject: The Bank

Here is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank Manager thought it funny enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must
nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a length wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)
:laugher: :laugher: :laugher:

· Super Goon At Large
4,703 Posts
Who uses a bank? I keep all my money either in the mattress or in a mason jar burried in the back yard, Like my dear old Grand Pappy would say Banks???? can't trust em:laugher: :laugher: :laugher:

· Super Goon At Large
4,703 Posts
obnoxus said:
Who has money,,,,,I own a!!!!! ( and a wife ) :D :D :D
Boy that one is gonna leave a mark for sure...:bandit: :bandit:

· Banned
69,292 Posts
Damn that was long. I wore out the little wheel on the mouse just scrolling thru the 1st post:laugher:

FA18Driver-you are my hero-you still have money to put in a mason jar or matress after all those wives:D Or is it a single bed and a very small jar ??

· Founding Member
916 Posts
Sheesh. I wonder what this guy will do while waiting from 8 am till 5 pm, where at some point during that period his telephone service man will arrive to install that new phone system he's buying. LOL!

Reminds me of the time we imported product form overseas. Our broker was consistantly 2-3 weeks late in getting us the product as they kept getting held up. We had repeated phone calls in. Finally we stopped doing it all together, and I waited for our last shipment, about 4-6 weeks late, and then proceeded to mail their last payment in the same time frame they took to get us our product. They called, and I gave them the explanation. "We're making you wait for your money, just as we had to to get our product". They kept calling, and I kept reminding them. After 3-4 calls, I started to remind them, and the lady said "oh yeah, that's right" click. LOL!

I love being an a-hole. And I'm so good at it. LOL!

And I like my credit union. :rolleyes: I even called them a while back about possibly buying a used 37 Outerlimits. They were fine, it's my wife I'm having the problem with. :gunner: I think a letter to the New York times might hurt my chances......LOL!

Good post, Red Stripe, I love seeing stuff like this. I know I'm not alone that way....

FA18driver..so where do you live, EXACTLY?

:p: :laugher:
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